Thursday, February 19, 2009

wtf omg go get an abortion bitch

someone just posted about being pregnant irl in a group chat.
let me be the first to say, no one cares. let me also be the first to say, one word, compound of two parts: coat-hanger. i don't enjoy waking up to placentas and afterbirth. we really need more offspring? like we really need YOURS? get your head out of your ass and consider adopting koalas, or the aforementioned bloated starving african aids orphans. ohhh wait, they won't come out looking exactly like you and your mentally retarded white trash husband. i mean, who else would sleep with someone ....nevermind. i think i just answered my own question.

"Here's another idea that should be punctured, the idea that childbirth is a miracle. I don't know who started this rumor but it's not a miracle. No more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out of your butt. It's a chemical reaction and a biological reaction. You want to know a miracle? A miracle is raising a kid that doesn't talk in a fucking movie theater...I'll go you one further, and this is the routine that has virtually ended my career in America. If you have children here tonight-and I assume some of you do-I am sorry to tell you this. They are not special. I'll let that sink in. Don't get me wrong, folks. I know YOU think they're special. You think that. I'm telling you-they're not. Did you know that every time a guy comes, he comes 200 million sperm? Did you know that? And you mean to tell me that you think your child is special? Because one of out 200 million sperm connected...that load? Gee, what are the fucking odds? Do you know what that means? I have wiped entire civilizations off my chest, with a grey gym sock. That is special. Entire nations have flaked and crusted in the hair around my navel. That is special. And i want you to think about that, you two-egg-carrying beings out there with that holier-than-thou, we-have-the-gift-of-life attitude. I have tossed universes, in my underpants, while napping. THAT is special."

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